Please do not read this final section if you are easily shocked or offended. You have been warned.

Clubbing Report

Ayia Napa over the last couple of years has taken off big time and is now a serious rival to Ibiza as the clubbing metropolis of Europe. After being at the top for so long may have caused complacency to set in, or clubbers may become bored and look elsewhere. Ibiza is where the Acid house craze began in 1988 which helped changed club life in Britain as we know it. The illegal all night open air and tent raves which followed suit in Britain led to the authorities bowing to the demands of the movement and passed laws allowing all night clubbing instead of till 3.30.

Accordingly Ibiza is well catered for house and trance. Garage, which is getting bigger and bigger in the UK especially in London can only be heard a couple of nights out there. However some of the biggest clubs in the world are in Ibiza,(Club Space and Manumission holding 8- 10,000 people) charging £30 to get in and drinks for a fiver.

Ayia Napa caters for the Garage crowd but has something for everyone. There are around 6 garage clubs and 4 house clubs all open every night till around 4am. The entry price is around £5-6. The bars open till 2am but play music till 1am a lot of them have guest djs from England. There is even a large Rock music bar!

You wont hear Rock music in Ibiza that's for sure. There is even a large open air Reggae bar which opens till 7 am where everyone heads to which has free admission. However they dont have a dj and just plays tapes of commercial reggae and dance music.There is a large swimming pool which circles the venue. It is always full of people (usually drunk) swimming fully clothed or shagging in full view of everyone walking past on the footbridge!

In my final week 2 more after hour clubs opened. Insomnia from 4-7 with £3 admission with first drink free was the first. The club played mainly old school house and went to town with the live instrument players. The percussionist had a full 5 piece drum kit and they had a saxophonist as well! Quite wicked, ultra modern and pleasantly air conditioned. A garage club from 4am till 8 am also opened up but it was a little way from the town square.

There are many Karaoke bars, and some bars give you free passes to get into clubs when you buy a drink so there are always ways of blagging in free! The Sweeny Todd bar overlooks the main square and has barbers chair on the balcony where one can have a 'dentist chair' cocktail job like the England players prior to Euro96! The only draw back was that it got very hot and there was a shortage of fans and air conditioning. Other bars in the busy main square include Volcano, Marinellas, Alexander and Minos. The main square gets ram packed and crowded akin to a carnival around 11pm.

My favourite bar was the Buzz bar which is quite large and spacious and always full of birds! It is run by a Londoner who also runs the Warehouse club in Edmonton. They had the best guest DJ line up in Ayia Napa: Alex P and Brandon Block played there for 4 nights on the trot. On a couple of them Alex P was serving behind the bar as well! Those were the best nights and the pair are a lively bunch. All hell broke loose when Brandon started singing Spurs songs, Dj Norris da boss Windross grabbed hold of the mike and did his gooner chants. I tried to jump in and do the "1-2, 1-2-3, 1-2-3-4, 5 nil!" chant but Dave Pearce I believe got on the mike and started singing "One man went to mow!"

The best clubs for me were Pasha and Pzazz. The former had Promoters like Sun City, Garage Nation, Bagleys on different nights featuring djs like Karl tuff enuff Brown, Timmi Magic and former world champion boxer Nigel Benn.

However the house clubs like Mythology and Kool (which are the largest in Ayia Napa) were also good. Booker T played at Kool and also the Ministry of Sound on another night.

The Spot club was much hyped back in London and has garage in the main room and swing in the other. However they did not seem to have the top name djs playing there like at the other clubs, during my stay and it failed to live up to its reputation. Nevertheless a lot of well known London promoters were there such as 'Freak n You' of Freak FM, Club Ventura, Zoo Experience etc.

Emporium which is next to Kool club hosted Paul King's 'One night stand'. I was there when DJ EZ played on a wicked night with a 3 hour set. The crowd was always great and up for it, and they always had a surprise dj. Norris da boss Windross was a surprise guest one night and rocked it. Only drawback the venue does get hot and could do with better air conditioning.

On the night of Benn's first appearance in Pzzazz, he played a set of banging house and trance which suprised most of the 'garage heads' present. He is usually known for playing garage and many were standing around bored. However, I got down to it with the rest of the hard house nutters, shocking out loving every minute of it!

Pzazz played host to Cream where Alex P and Brandon Block rocked it wickedly on their first appearance in Ayia Napa. Yes they were suprised at the up for it crowd.

However my most memorable club night was Pzazz on Twice as Nice where 2 of the UK's finest: Spoony and the world renouned Karl tuff enuff Brown. That has got to be one of the best ever garage raves I have been to. The packed out crowd was wild and so was the music the said djs were spinning! The djs went over the deadline by 20 minutes but the crowd would not let them leave the decks. They were blowing horns and whistles none stop for 5 minutes at the end forcing them to play a final one, which was appropriately Brass Tooth's 'Celebrate life'.

For those into the music one just had to be there to savour it was a night to remember. Karl tuff enuff Brown stayed out there for the week on tour and was interviewed on Pure Silk's Friday night slot on Ayia Napa's English language radio station. He mentioned how he and Spoony were both surprised at the reaction of the crowd that night. The said show was a warm up to his set the same night at Pure Silk's bash also at Pzzazz. That was also a wicked night!

Coming close to that night was Sun City at Pasha featuring, Daryl B, Jazzy D and Timmi Magic. That night finished longer at 5.20. All the djs in Ayia Napa passed by when the other clubs closed and it was one hell of a set by all the jocks present.

Is Ayia Napa better than Ibiza? I thought it was. However I will leave the final words to DJs Brandon Block and Norris da Boss Windross. Blocko: "The clubs are bigger and the crowds are better" The boss man: "When you pay £30 a head to get in and five pounds for drinks you get less wankers and more serious clubbers who are into the music and enjoying themselves!" Well I can not argue with the UKs top djs who helped build the mystique of Ibiza from when it started in 1988. However better or not I still loved it in Ayia Napa.

DRUGS AND AYIA NAPA

As mentioned above, this is a controversial subject which nearly led to my holiday being wrecked and me ending up in intensive care. I am a non drinker, smoker or drug user. Ayia Napa has some of the strictest anti drugs measures. One can be jailed for a couple of weeks and permanently deported out of the country for being in possession of a small quantity that is for you own use. If you are a dealer *serious* problems. As a result drugs are hard to get hold of unlike Ibiza. On my first nights in the main square, a few people came up to me and asked me about drugs. I just made a joke about it. If a bloke asked about 'charlie' I just told him to ask Paul Merson. If a woman asked about 'pills' I told her "That I use condoms, they are far safer would you like to meet me later to try them out?"

However, it soon got past a joke and every ten minutes or so, some drug starved prat kept asking me about drugs. I was getting fed up with it and simpy told them all to "Fuck off!" It got so bad that after the 3 day i went to a travel agents to enquire about a flight home. I could not put up with this for 2 weeks. I would end up in intensive care after starting a fight with someone asking me for drugs.

Yes I was looking to start a fight as I was at boiling point. I was actually telling people "I hope the next pill you take kills you!" I know it was out of order but I meant it at the time as they were getting to me. It was clear why i was being singled out by the druggies.Some people have the idea that if you are black you are 'supposed to know about drugs'.

Two incidents confirmed this involving first a bloke from Northern Ireland then a German tourist. When they were astonished by my reaction, their defence was: "Sorry, but I thought you would know about it!" On both occasions I went livid and nearly came to blows. I pointed out that the big time drug barons who are jailed for being part of major drug smuggling rings are usually white.

Howvever black men like me who dont touch the stuff are stereotyped as drug dealers. Thats why I have always been anti drugs. Those prats who pester you for drugs in clubs back or on holiday dont get the same hassle from the police at home or the customs at airports who also see you as possible drug dealers.

On the third night I went to Pzzaz eager to teach the druggies a thing or two. The best way was on the dance floor. I got mega hyper from the begining all night long. I did get the inevitable enqiuries about drugs and where I got the energy from. Other clubbers were also going just as hyper emotions and feelings can be contagious like at a football match.

However those starved of drugs and those not up for soon tired and sat down after an hour or so. 0nly the hard coreclubbers who were used to it were still up with me and we had a great time. I was jubilant.

The feeling was akin to outdrinking everyone at the bar I suppose. I had outdanced the druggies and took or drank nothing all night untill a bottle of water near the end. I was jumping up and down like deranged mad man shouting out: "drug free zone!" and "I dont need no drugs!"

Some people came up to me and said they wished they could dance all night without drugs. I actually felt sorry for them. Well after the first week I managed to control my temper and the enquiries rescinded as word must have got round, that the bloke with the pineapple on his head, is not a dealer.

If you are dependent on drugs to enjoy yourself then you are on a dangerous road, and we dont know the long term side effects. A pill taker has no way of checking what is in the pill. It could be a dodgy supply containing a lethal dosage or even a dummy. I have heard of dealers who scratch patterns on the back of paracetamol tablets and sell them as Es.

They tell those who buy them “Bad trip mate, buy (try) another!” Some dealers even coat heroin onto some pills to make people addicted to that type so to get a guaranteed customer base. So be warned, try to go clubbing without them. The good thing about drug free Ayia Napa, is that some clubbers I spoke to, realised that after going out everynight for 2 weeks without drugs, they have lasted all night and still enjoyed themselves without them. So they no longer feel obliged to use them in future.

However, I do know that the existence of durgs led to raves and clubbing being free from alcohol related problems: drunk driving, violence and sexual harrasment of women. Everybody wants to be your friend and enjoy themselves and not get their leg over with scantily clad women.

It was commented on, when raves took the country by storm in the late 80s & early 90s, it coincided with a drop in English football hooliganism. Well the authorities would say better surveillance and intelligence gathering, infiltration of firms etc played a part.

However I have spoken to a few nutters who were in West Ham’s ICF at that time. They admitted that a lot of blokes preferred to enjoy themselves at a rave even with rivals from opposing teams mobs, than get beaten up in a punch up at a game. Those who liked fighting worked as bouncers at the illegal raves and some still do in clubs that I have been to.

However this is not to say one does not see violence at raves and clubs or harrassing of women. I have seen it on occasions even in Ayia Napa there was a mass brawl in a club. Once you go to raves and get used to the friendly atmosphere you dont need drugs to get in the vibe. In drug free raves in Ayia Napa like the said Cream night everybody was under the vibe. Happiness is contagious. Some ravers have commented that the reason for the governments clamp down on raves and the associated drug culture is pressure from the brewing industries who have seen a drop in profits.

More people die from alcohol related drink driving or pub brawls than drugs yet the latter is always given more press coverage. Maybe there is a big conspiracy. The only solution would be to de criminalise all drugs even the hard drugs making them taxed and freely available. That would remove the criminal element and racist stereotyping, ensure adequate quality control and allow some of the profits to be used to help the problems endured by addicts.

HOLIDAY LIFE IN AYIA NAPA

In Ayia Napa the weather is hot and the locals are freindly and English is widely spoken. Most of the tourist are from the UK with London especially the east end in abundance, as most of the music promoters are from the capital. The next largest group is the Scandinavians followed by the Germans. There is not a problem with insects.

However if you sleep with the Air Conditioning on you wake up with a cold. Thats why so many people were coughing, sneezing and had sore throats. (Well at least they had a proper excuse for the latter!) They use the same 3 pin electric sockets as we do in the UK so one does not have to use adapters.

The Cypriot pound is stronger than Sterling howvever most things were about the same price. Most clubs only charged £5 to get and the drinks were cheap as well. I got by easily with around £200 spending money going out every night.

The bungee rides are out of this world and there is a wide variety of water sports available, even guided submarine tours for tourists! The waterpark is the largest water theme park in the world.

All the taxis are Mercedes! I have never seen so many: old, new, stretch limous. I took a ride in brand new stretch ones with leather interior, airconditioning wooden panels the works! We felt like VIPs. The drivers told us the cars are expensive but 95% of taxis in Cyprus are Mercedes because they are very reliable making them ideal for that type of work.

The only drawback is the ease of hiring out scooters and mopeds (I say go by bus, there much cheaper check below for a few bus stop within the area below!!). In Cyprus as in Spain anyone can hire a bike, unlike in the UK where you have to pass a test and have a license first. So someone who has never been on a moped or scooter is let loose on one and the results are there for all to see. I saw numerous accidents out there.

Many tourists were walking about with limbs in plaster, heavily bandaged or with scars, cuts and bruises from motor bike accidents. A mate of mine who got the fastest scooter he could get into a few accidents. He was lucky to walk away with only cuts and bruising. When he was at the hospital, the casualty department was packed full of tourists involved with motor bike accidents.

What makes things worse the police dont seem that bothered about drink driving. There is no official minimum age for drinking like in Britain, so 15-16 year olds (and those younger who look older) do so freely. I saw 3-4 people stagger out of night clubs and bars and jump on the same bike! It was no surprise that while I was there 4 people were killed in motor bike accidents. My advice would be to stay clear of them.

FOOTBALL MATTERS (Sorry I am a Chelsea fan)

(I am a Leeds United Fan Soloman, myself!!!- Carl Brown)

I booked the flight with the same firm (On Green Lanes, Harringey, London) which did the official Chelsea tours to Stockholm for the cup winners cup final. I did not know this till the bloke at the desk mentioned he saw me at the game. The firm Cyplon Travel seemed to have mainly Chelsea supporters - there were numerous Chelsea posters inside the premises.

I also used Chelsea travel insurance, which was cheaper than most other companies. Also on the flight were several season ticket holders who recognised. One of them was wearing the Bayern Munich shirt with '58' on the back that a few fans wore on the last game of the season.

In the main square where most of the bars are located, one of the larger ones, 'Volcano Bar' had 4 club scarves above the bar: Man Utd, Liverpool, Leeds and...Chelsea! Good to see we were representing the capital and not another team that plays in red. I wore my 'famous' Chelsea shirt and was frequently asked to be photographed.

Most people only wanted a picture of the back of my shirt, not the front, they did not want to see my mug! However some Chelsea fans who recognised me from the Sky broadcasts wanted to be photographed with me, so they could show their mates "they met the bloke with the pineapple!"

I also wore my own designed Chelsea t- shirts. Wearing my Chelsea FA cup winners tee shirt with Ruud Gullitt holding the FA cup, in front of a group of Newcastle fans got to them. One could feel their sighs of frustration! Well on my final night a few Geordies shook my hand hoping that Chelsea stuffed the Mackems at the Bridge.

I met some Geordie birds on the second night. They were in an upstairs bar, loudly singing that 'Cheer up Peter Reid' song. I introduced myself to them and mentioned that we will be playing Sunderland on our first game of the season.

I did not realise how much the Geordies(Newcastle) and Mackems (Sunderland) hated each other! I went on to say that our version of that song goes 'dirty northern bastards' and not 'sad mackem bastards' because we are Londoners. The girls took offence to that line, insisting they were not not dirty northerners.

I then mentioned the songs we sang about Dougie Shepherd and John Hall's son who famously called Alan Shearer 'Mary Poppins'; referred to their own fans as mugs for paying £50 for shirts that cost a fiver to make, and worse of all, calling Geordie women 'dogs'.

The girls response to Hall and Shepherd was that: "Geordie women are not dogs. We just like it doggy style!" If only messrs Hall and Shepherd knew what they are missing!!

In Ayia Napa counterfeit football shirts or on sale in many shops. They were so clearly fake I dont know who would buy them. Only the club badge and sponsors logo looked authentic. The material, collars were different and they even had the kit manufacturers name replaced by some dodgy firm that produced the fakes! Well at £15 pound each some poor sod may buy them.

I watched the Charity Shield game live on a big screen by the pool at my mates apartment complex. There were plenty of Arsenal, Man utd fans as well as many neutrals, but I was the only Chelsea and wore my colours with pride.

As I was not bothered either way i had to find some way of winding up the Gooners or Man utd fans. Most neutrals were part of the anti Man Utd brigade apart from the Spurs contingent present.

While I dislike both, there is something about Arsenal that gets to me, that I do not want to see them win anthing, especially a high profile game live on tv being screened around the world.I can live with Man Utd winning things with their moaning manager, ignorant gloryhunting fans, but not Arsenal.

They are quick to rub it in about them being the only London club that can win major honours and be a real threat to United.

So I got to work trying to wind up both fans. When Beckham got booked I did the "Your shit and your bird's a tart!" song which caused much laughter. When Andy Cole and Yorke missed chances I sang: "You could not score in a brothel!" to more laughter. Most of those present had heard about their 3 in a bed romp in the News of the World.

However it soon became far easier winding up the United fans. They actually do act like glory hunters. When United took the lead they were cheering and celebrating, singing none stop about the treble and how they knocked the scousers off their perch etc. However when Arsenal took the lead they went silent.

The Arsenal fans at Wembley were taunting the United fans with "Your not singing anymore!" The fans watching on the big screen lost their tongues as well. I could not sing 'Do you come from Manchester!' because some of the noisey blonde Manchester babes present were from Manchester, and claimed to have been to Old Trafford many times. They do not know what to do when their team is behind. I could not let this opportunity pass me, so I got up and made this point out loud to everyone gathered. I reminded them about how Old Trafford goes dead with no atmosphere when the team is not having it easy, and how 3000 Chelsea makes more noise than the 50000 home fans.

The United fans were quick to mention the 5-3 cup tie. I reminded them that I stayed at the end and how the Man utd fans stopped singing and were dying for the ref to blow his whistle in the dying minutes after Chelsea pulled the 3 late goals back. I also told them how United fans left early at the goal less draw in the cup game at OT while we milked it singing the great escape theme. That was because they are all glory hunters I reiterated.

They dont act like real fans who get behind their team when the going gets rough. I reminded them that football is about passion and how come they were not cheering on their boys. They should earn the right to be supporters the the passion and not just buying the merchandise. They acted like glory hunters or rather football groupies that they were.

I kept telling them I did not want to see Arsenal win as a Chelsea fan so show some passion for the boys! Yes the female Man utd fans showed plenty of passion for the boys as they were bedded through out the fortnight, even by some Arsenal blokes! Some fans have no shame talk about sleeping with the enemy!

Send in any comments that you may have about this, or anything that has captured your eye when reading through this. Hope to hear from you soon...

This copyrighted. If you would like to use this review then please do get back to Solomon Malcolm, London, England and Carl Brown, Ipswich, England

solomonmalcolm@hotmail.com